When Part of You Wants to Recover… And Part of You Doesn’t

There’s a place many people find themselves in with an eating disorder that isn’t always talked about.

It’s not fully wanting things to change.
But it’s not fully wanting to stay the same either.

It’s somewhere in between.

A space where part of you can see that something isn’t working anymore…
and another part of you still feels deeply tied to it.

And that can feel incredibly confusing.

The part of you that wants things to change

There might be moments where something shifts, and you notice a clearer sense that things can’t quite carry on like this.

A sense of exhaustion.
A quiet awareness of how much this is taking up in your day-to-day life.
A thought like, “I don’t know how long I can keep doing this.”

You might notice the impact it’s having.
On your energy, your ability to focus, your relationships, the things you used to have space for.

And there can be a part of you that wants things to be different.

That starts to question how things have been.
That notices how much time and headspace this is taking.
That wonders what life might feel like without the constant mental noise around food, eating, or your body.

The part of you that doesn’t want to let go

And then there’s another part.

The part that feels safer holding on.

The part that tells you this is how you cope.
It can feel like without it, things might become more uncertain, more overwhelming, or harder to manage.

It might feel like this:

• gives you structure to your day
• helps you manage difficult feelings when they come up
• is something that feels like yours, something you can rely on
• has become part of who you are
• is what keeps things feeling more contained or in control

And letting go of that doesn’t just feel difficult.
It can feel genuinely scary.

What feeling stuck in recovery can feel like

Often, it doesn’t feel clear or logical.

It can feel like being pulled in two directions at once.

You might notice thoughts like:

“I should be able to join in… but I don’t feel like I can.”
“I know this isn’t helping… but it feels safer this way.”
“I want things to be different… but not like this.”

There can be a constant back and forth.

Moments where you feel more open to change, followed by moments where you feel pulled straight back into old patterns.

At times, it can feel like:

• going round in circles
• second guessing yourself
• making a decision, then questioning it almost immediately
• feeling clear one moment, then unsure the next
• never quite feeling settled in what you’re doing

And underneath all of that, a sense of being stuck.

Why you can feel stuck in recovery

From the outside, it might seem like it should be simple.

If part of you wants to change, why not just follow that?

But inside, it doesn’t feel simple at all.

Because both parts of you have a reason for being there.

The part that wants things to change is noticing the impact this is having.
The part that wants to hold on is trying to keep things feeling safe, or at least familiar, in the way it knows how.

And when those two parts are pulling in different directions, it can feel really hard to know which one to listen to.

It’s not that you’re doing anything wrong.

It’s that both sides can feel convincing in their own way.

What can begin to shift things

At this stage, it’s not about forcing yourself to choose one side over the other.

And it’s not about needing to feel completely ready.

What can start to make a difference is something much quieter than that.

It might begin with noticing both parts, rather than getting pulled fully into one.
Becoming a little more curious about what each side is trying to do for you.
Allowing even a small amount of space between the thought and what you do next.

You don’t have to figure it all out at once.

Sometimes, just beginning to understand the conflict in a different way can start to soften how it feels.

You might gently reflect on things like:

• What feels most difficult about letting go right now?
• What does the eating disorder feel like it’s giving you?
• Is there a small part of you that wants something different?

There’s no right or wrong answers here.

But these kinds of questions can begin to open things up, rather than keeping you in the same cycle.

A gentle next step

If you’re recognising yourself in this, you’re not alone.

This in-between place — where part of you wants recovery and part of you doesn’t — can feel confusing to sit in.

Because it’s not always clear what the “right” thing to do is, and both sides can feel very real.

But that doesn’t mean you’re stuck in the way it might seem.

Sometimes, just beginning to see this pattern more clearly can start to shift how you experience it.

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New: A Gentle Starting Point for Anorexia Recovery

If this in-between place feels familiar, and you’re experiencing anorexia or wondering if you might be, this course was created with you in mind.

It’s a short, self-paced course for those who feel stuck, unsure, or conflicted about recovery.

It helps you make sense of what’s going on beneath the surface and begin creating some space from the eating disorder in a way that feels manageable.

→ Explore the course here

If this doesn’t feel like the right fit for you, or you’re experiencing a different type of eating disorder, we’ll be sharing further resources soon. You’re very welcome to join our mailing list if you’d like to hear about them.