When Your Relationship with Your Eating Disorder Starts to Change
There is a journey to go on when it comes to understanding your eating disorder. And that journey is deeply personal. For many people, it can feel confusing, frustrating, or even frightening. Like it has become all of you.
But over time, that relationship can begin to shift.
As you start to understand where it came from, what it was trying to do, and why it once felt so necessary, it can become easier to see it as just one part of you. A part that may have been trying to cope, and that needs to be heard in a different way.
And that can begin to change how recovery feels.
Below is a letter written by one of our wonderful recovery clients, who wanted to share. In it, she has named her eating disorder “Emma”. The letter captures a moment where understanding her eating disorder began to soften and make more sense.
Dear Emma,
I think I realised the other day who you actually are. You are not some cool girl coming back from my school days to torment me. You are also not the best version of my potential self. You are not someone that I aspire to be.
I think you’re just me. But the younger me who wanted more than anything to fit in and have friends at school. Who started judging the appearances of others so that we could try to be like them and maybe we’d be cool.
I do get angry at you sometimes, but then I try to picture myself actually shouting at you in person, and I just can’t do it. Truthfully, I just feel so much sadness for you. Not pity, but empathy. I just want to wrap my arms around you, give you a big squeeze, and tell you that everything is going to be alright. Because it is.
Turns out you’re pretty cool when you’re just yourself. You’re kind and have developed the most amazing dry humour that makes people laugh, whether that’s around the dinner table or at home.
You’ve fundraised for marathons and half marathons, and through that shown just how loved and supported you are. People you’ve only known for a couple of months are willing to donate their hard-earned money because they believe in you. How amazing is that.
I know that you sometimes get scared that we’re going to go back to the times when we felt so alone and, at the same time, were in a bigger body. You’ve linked those two things together, even though they have nothing to do with each other.
I want to reassure you that when this life comes to an end, people will not praise how you were a size 8 or think about how your thighs didn’t touch. They will say that you were loved and loving. That you worked incredibly hard and helped people in every way you could. They will remember you through your words, your actions, and how you made them feel.
Please remember to slow down and know that I am working to help you feel safe. Because you are safe.
I wrote a letter a couple of weeks ago saying that I did not want to invite you to my wedding, the family dinner table, or my children’s birthday party. I’ve changed my mind.
I would love you to be there, just so you can see how far we’ve come from that scared little girl who just wanted connection.
I will toast you in every speech and say good morning to you every day. Because I don’t think we’ll ever be completely apart, but I’m no longer scared of that.
I know now who you are.
Yours sincerely,
The version of me who understands you now
This letter shows such a beautiful shift
Instead of pushing the eating disorder away, or trying to get rid of it completely. She is beginning to understand it, to see where it came from, and what it was trying to do.
For many people, this is a powerful turning point.
Because when you can see the eating disorder as one part of you, rather than all of you, something begins to soften. There can be less fear, less urgency, and less of that constant internal battle.
It doesn’t mean everything suddenly feels easy. And it doesn’t mean the eating disorder instantly disappears.
But it can change how recovery feels.
Instead of fighting yourself, there can be more space for understanding, for compassion, and for responding in a different way.
This is something beautiful we so often see through recovery.
When the focus shifts from just changing behaviours to understanding what’s underneath them, it opens up a very different way forward.
If This Resonated
If you recognised yourself in parts of this, you’re not alone.
You don’t need to have this all figured out. And you don’t have to approach it in a perfect way.
Sometimes beginning to understand your eating disorder, can be a meaningful step.
And if this is something you’re trying to navigate on your own, support can make a difference.
When it feels right, you’re very welcome to reach out or learn more about our approach. We’re here to listen and to gently help you work out what the right next step might be for you.
