An Eating Disorder Recovery Story
Today we hear from Abby, who recovered with us here at Natural Food Therapy. Abby shares her inspirational story through eating disorder recovery. A powerful journey of inner strength and self-discovery.
Abby’s Story: Finding My strength
At 29 years old, I found the strength to get help for my eating disorder. And I believe this has been possibly the best thing I have ever done.
How It All Started
My eating disorder recovery story begins a long time ago. I grew up in a big family with food at the heart of it. Everyone seemed to love their food as much as me, but I lived in a larger body. I grew up so self-conscious, shy and embarrassed about my weight. I turned to food for comfort, which led to even more shame and guilt.
At age 17, I began to restrict my food intake. It started with me and some friends giving up bread and chocolate for lent. I enjoyed the feeling of control it gave me. I believed I was proving I could be strong and disciplined by restricting. It felt like a good thing that I was able to give up all the foods I loved.
I started to get compliments for my determination and weight loss. This spurred me on, and my drive for weight loss became stronger. I chased this idea of an ‘ideal figure’. Restricting individual foods such as bread and chocolate turned into eliminating whole food groups.
Behind Closed Doors
At this point, the eating disorder really started to take hold. I began to purge after every evening meal. However, I kept telling myself it wasn’t that bad, that I had control of this. I measured a good day by going to sleep with a rumbling stomach. Just reading this sentence back now makes me feel so heartbroken for the 17-year-old me.
Over 18 months, I lost a considerable amount of weight; I was no longer known as the girl in the larger body. Outwardly I looked healthy and had reached a ‘healthy weight’. I continued to receive praise for my weight loss, and I felt truly seen for once. However, what was happening behind doors wasn’t healthy at all.
When I hit my ‘goal weight’ I did eventually ease up on some of the restrictive eating. To everyone else, I seemed to have a pretty normal relationship with my food and my body. I was average weight and no longer outwardly restricting food. However, I was still purging regularly– sometimes after a meal with friends, sometimes after binge eating in secret. My mind was continually filled with negative chatter about how I looked and how little I was worth. I was in constant fear of putting on weight. I constantly felt guilty about what I had eaten and laden with shame about how I looked.
Feeling Stuck
I desperately wanted to stop purging. I began to realise that food, negative body image thoughts, and diet culture were firmly in control of me.
Over the next 12 years, I went through phases with my eating disorder. There were some periods of less restriction and some periods without purging. Sometimes I went for months at a time, believing I had fixed my secret problem.
There was even a time when I managed to tell my partner about my ‘previous’ eating disorder. I described it to him as a ‘previous issue’ because I had convinced myself it was no longer a problem. I thought that opening up to him and telling myself that I wouldn’t purge again, that I simply wouldn’t.
Unfortunately, you can’t just decide to stop. It isn’t that simple!
The purging always started again, whether a one-off, daily or months at a time. Sometimes I experimented with other forms of compensation, convincing myself these were okay because I saw others doing it. Fasting, detox teas, extreme diets– all things that are too often celebrated in society.
Thanks to the work I have now done in my recovery, I can look back at what I went through with a new perspective. I now see that I controlled my food intake when I felt out of control, or when life was feeling out of control. I was so fearful I would end up back in a larger body if I just ate normally. If only I could see how the feeling of fear was trapping me far more than a larger body ever could.
“If only I could see how the feeling of fear was trapping me far more than a larger body ever could.“
The Wedding
At the start of 2021, I began planning for my wedding. Anxiety suddenly swept over me– there would be nearly 200 people looking at me! I felt the negative chatter in my mind increase. These thoughts sent me into a downward spiral. I believed that I needed to get into the best shape of my life. That I needed to lose weight.
NO! I screamed to myself. Enough was enough. I was not going to start the next phase of my life with my husband like this. And I did not want my future children growing up with me like this. All I want is to be their role model, to be able to show them the way.
Although I realised the need for support, I didn’t know where to go for help. I didn’t feel sick enough to get help for an eating disorder, but I also knew I couldn’t continue in the endless cycle. Searching the internet made me realise I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t the only one.
I found Natural Food Therapy, and I just felt relief. Reading through and seeing other people’s stories, I realised that I did deserve help, and here it was. It described everything I was feeling and had gone through for over 12 years– food obsession, control, guilt and negative body image thoughts.
Seeking Help
I was terrified to get help, but I took the leap. I told my fiancé that my food issues weren’t actually in the past like I had assured him they were. He listened and wanted to understand. With his encouragement, I signed up, and it was honestly one of the best decisions I’ve ever made– possibly even the best, alongside marrying my husband, of course!
Finding My Power
With the help of my eating disorder coach Sasha and the recovery group, I have learned and grown so much. In the lead up to my wedding, I gained a deeper understanding of my food issues. I discovered new tools and coping mechanisms to transform my relationship with food, exercise and body image.
I am so proud that I didn’t turn to dieting, more exercise, or purging for my wedding. Instead of worrying about how I looked on the day, I was able to be present, and it was the happiest day of my life. My cheeks hurt from smiling for about a week!
I have learned that chasing the ‘perfect body’ will never make me feel happy. The work I need to do is internal. I have come so far, and the work is ongoing after so many years with the eating disorder. But with the tools and support that I have, I know that I can and will be free in the body that I have today.
Our most beautiful self is not our smaller self, it is our truest self. And that is the person I am now focused on finding.
Final Thoughts
Abby’s Eating Disorder Recovery Story
Thank you so much to this brave recovery warrior for sharing her journey. A beautiful and inspirational read through recovery and beyond!
If Abby’s story has inspired you to begin your recovery journey, we would love to help. You can learn more about our recovery programme here.
