For many people, food is only one part of a much bigger picture. Control, perfectionism, identity and achievement can all play a role in keeping an eating disorder going.
In this recovery story, Grace shares how her eating disorder gradually took over her life, what recovery taught her, and why it became about far more than changing what she ate.
This is her story, in her own words. We’ve changed her name to protect her privacy, but her words are her own. If you recognise parts of yourself in her story, we hope it reminds you that recovery is possible.
A note before you read: Grace’s story touches on a desire to lose weight and disordered behaviours including bingeing and purging. If these themes feel difficult for you right now, please take care, and come back whenever the time feels right.
Grace’s Story
Trying to explain an eating disorder is like trying to… I’m still trying to think of an analogy to put here because the truth is no matter how well you explain it, people still won’t understand.
And why would they?
If you would have told 15-year-old me that in a couple of years I would be scared to eat pizza, I would’ve told you that was stupid because it’s just food.
But an eating disorder isn’t just about food.
My eating disorder started when I left school and decided that I wanted to work instead of going to uni. I attended a very high-achieving school and was used to being top of my lessons and having 10-hour days.
When all that suddenly ended, I had all this new brain space and nothing to fill it.
I can’t explain why my brain chose to fill this time with changing how I looked, but suddenly my daily motivation to get out of bed was to lose weight.
I wanted to look like all the popular girls I had gone to school with, but I just used my competitiveness to exceed all their beauty standards. If they were thin, then I would be stick thin.
Chasing Something That Never Felt Enough
What followed was two years of obsessively counting calories, tracking steps and exercising so that I could watch the scale keep moving down.
And when I would weigh less and less each week, it honestly felt like euphoria. Looking back, I think I became a bit addicted to that feeling.
I was doing something and accomplishing my goals whilst I watched everyone on Instagram live amazing lives at uni.
I knew what I was doing wasn’t healthy, but I wouldn’t have described it as an eating disorder because I was in control of it.
Or at least I thought I was.
Until I started to binge.
Turns out when you deny your body the food it needs, it will do everything it can to get that food in you. And I would then do everything I could to get it out, including making myself purge.
When I finally told my Dad and saw the visible shock on his face, that was when I realised that I was actually really, really sick.
Recovery Wasn’t What I Expected
When I first reached out to Sasha, I was purging at least 3 times a day and on antidepressants.
I went into our sessions each week thinking that she’d just give me a new food to try, but that wasn’t even the start.
So much of my recovery was about figuring out where my eating disorder came from, and also about learning to have compassion towards myself.
Having no friends at school, it’s no wonder some deep insecurity was planted within me that made me want to look and fit in with everyone else.
Sasha helped me realise how much of my life had been taken away by just constantly thinking about food and my appearance. I also started to realise how much it affected the people around me.
She helped me to understand what my life might look like if I didn’t change. And that was the kick I needed.
What I’d Say to You Now
Getting help for an eating disorder is probably the hardest part, because you have to dismantle all the beliefs that have kept you going through life’s hardest moments.
But if you are thinking about reaching out, please just know that you deserve your life back.
Soon, you will be back to sitting around the dinner table with your friends and family, eating dessert and wondering why you ever decided there was anything better.
A Final Thought From Us
Grace came to us thinking recovery would be about food, about what she should and shouldn’t eat. Instead, it became about understanding where her eating disorder had come from, learning to be kinder to herself, and gradually getting her life back.
If you find yourself somewhere in her story, recovery here doesn’t begin with a plan to follow or a food to try. It begins with understanding, at your own pace, with someone beside you the whole way.
Whenever you’re ready, we’re here.
Continue Reading
If you found Grace’s story helpful, you might also like:
→ “I Thought I Wasn’t Sick Enough”: Lily’s Recovery Journey
→ Learn more about our Private Recovery Programme
