Christmas can be a difficult time of year for those suffering with an eating disorder. The festivities are often centred around food with celebratory meals, changes to eating patterns, and social gatherings. All of which present their own challenges.
If you or a loved one is suffering with an eating disorder, it can be helpful to understand what the difficulties and triggers might be. Ideally, work with your eating disorder specialist to plan ahead and create a strategy for Christmas day that’s right for you. This is about creating something that challenges you to join in where you can, but also keeps you safe and supports you with any difficulties that may arise.
While no person’s experience of an eating disorder is the same, it can be comforting to know that you are not the only one. That’s why today we are hearing from an eating disorder sufferer who has been recovering with us here at Natural Food Therapy. As a lover of Christmas she has chosen to share part of her story, which begins with what she describes as ‘a magical Christmas’.
We hope that sharing this will raise awareness around the battle those with eating disorders face through the festive period. And if you are suffering yourself, we hope it will inspire you to reach out for support.
What Christmas Is Like When Battling With An Eating Disorder
The Christmas I remember
When I think back to my childhood, the first word I associate with Christmas is magic. I remember the overwhelming sense of excitement that I felt on Christmas Eve. I sat with my family watching Christmas films– fluffy socks on, hot chocolate in hand, colourful decorations, the warm flickering lights of the Christmas tree. That excitement continued as I hung my stockings on the end of the bed with my siblings. We went to bed early, desperately trying to fall asleep so that the big day would come sooner.
When the day finally came, we would lug our stockings down the stairs and sit around the Christmas tree opening all our gifts. I remember feeling magical as I looked round the room and saw faces beaming with smiles that filled their cheeks. This day was filled with happiness, surrounded by loved ones and of course lots of delicious food.
However, when I developed my eating disorder, that magic began to fade. A day that was once my favourite time of year, became the most dreaded day of all.
The year it all changed
Last year, things looked rather different to that magical day I described to you.
It started with the weeks leading up to Christmas, where I felt extremely anxious and worried. My mind kept wondering to what I might have to eat on the day, filling me with dread. I felt guilty just thinking about Christmas dinner, and completely overwhelmed at the amount of treats there would be on the day. I began restricting my food intake further than I ever had, in an attempt to cope with these worries.
As I reached what was once my favourite day of the year, my body was deprived. The eating disorder thoughts and restrictive eating over the last few weeks had taken its toll. Leaving me feeling emotionless and weak– two emotions I never thought I would associate with this day. Christmas morning, I sat around the tree with my family feeling cold, numb and with a lifeless expression on my face. I couldn’t enjoy the opening of the presents or even respond to anything I received. All I heard were my eating disorder thoughts, which I couldn’t help but fixate on.
“All I heard were my eating disorder thoughts that I couldn’t help but fixate on”
I agreed to eat a separate ‘safe’ meal, while everyone else enjoyed their delicious roast dinner, which had taken all day to prepare. As they all tucked in I looked at them with envy, desperately wishing I could allow myself to join in.
Instead, I had a small alternative meal that after weeks of restricting, didn’t even scrape the surface. I sat without speaking, observing my family. I noticed my sister looking at me with confusion, my parents desperately trying to keep the mood up.
Next up were the board games and drinks with the family. Instead of joining in, I withdrew and took myself straight upstairs, my eyes filling with tears. I felt guilty for the food I ate. I felt shame for making the day so tense for he family. And I felt sad.
My mum came to check on me and I could feel her worry and disappointment. In self-defence I snapped at her, adding to the already tense atmosphere. I decided to go to bed early, in the hope that this day would end as quickly as possible.
My hopes for this Christmas
Although last Christmas was an absolute nightmare for me, it helped me see that I never want this to happen again.
This year I have been actively in recovery. I have learnt so many tools, strategies and have come a long way. This year is going to be the start of Christmas becoming a magical time once again.
Some of the learnings I will take with me are that:
- Christmas is only one day out of 365 days of the year
- This day is not just about food, but about making memories that will last a lifetime
- I have permission to enjoy food and to enjoy the day
- Fun foods will help to nurture my inner child
- I must nourish my body in the lead up to Christmas and work through my worries
- I am both capable and worthy of having a magical day
Lastly, I will take with me my motivations for recovery. I’m working hard through recovery not only for my present self but for my loved one’s and for my future. I don’t want a future where I look back with regret. By pushing myself to be part of these special moments, I’m saying yes to experiencing a fuller and happier life for years to come.
Final words
Thank you to this brave eating disorder warrior for sharing her experience of Christmas with us all.
Eating disorders present in different ways and this post was written by a sufferer of anorexia nervosa. Other types of eating disorders will influence the festivities in different ways. And no person’s experience of an eating disorder is the same. Whether it’s body image thoughts, binge eating, restrictive eating, social comparison or anything else– you deserve to recover and find magic in this day once again.
If you think you or a loved one might be suffering from an eating disorder, or if you have been trying to recover, get in touch to speak to one of our specialists.
Feeling unsafe or struggling over the festive period? Beat is the UK eating disorder charity and operates a free helpline dedicated to sufferers. You can access the helpline here.
