This week’s post is written by one of our eating disorder recovery clients, who shares her journey to intuitive movement with us all. An inspiring and supportive read for anyone who is working on improving their relationship with exercise.
My Intuitive Movement Journey
Over the past year, I have been working on understanding my relationship with exercise. My ultimate goal has been to move closer to intuitive movement, which involves listening to my body to determine how and when to move my body. Rather than following a rigid plan of what I believe I ‘should’ be doing, or in a way that feels like punishment. Looking back, I can see I have come a long way, so I wanted to share the steps that have helped me so far.
Acknowledging Exercise As Part Of My Eating disorder
It was only when I started my programme at Natural Food Therapy, that I realised just how much exercise was a part of my eating disorder. However, I genuinely also have a love for exercise and movement, so I had to slowly unpack what was me doing what I enjoy and what was me feeding into the eating disorder.
Looking back, it now feels obvious that exercise was something deeply rooted in my eating disorder.
Here were some of the thoughts and behaviours I had that I now realise were red flags:
- Working out every day, usually twice a day.
- Rarely taking a rest day, even when I was tired, which was a lot of the time!
- Feeling guilty on days I didn’t workout.
- Manipulating the food I ate depending on how active I had been that day.
- Only allowing certain foods to be eaten if I felt that I had “earned it”.
- Counted the calories I burned after each workout.
- Telling myself “I have to do this workout”.
- Believing that I had to workout and fearing weight gain.
- Body checking regularly during a workout.
Whilst it is a tough journey to work through these beliefs and behaviours, I am now able to recognise them and challenge them– rather than accept them. And this feels like a really positive place to have reached.
Ditching The Fitness Tracker
When I acknowledged that exercise really was a part of my eating disorder, I knew I had to address it if I wanted to truly recover. I knew I needed to start the transition from exercising to burn calories towards exercising for fun.
The first step I took was to delete the calorie tracker on my watch and phone. It was only after I deleted it that I realised I used to check it 10+ times a day to see how many active calories I had burned each day.
It was only after taking this step that I started to allow myself to rest. “Burning calories” had been the main driver for the intense workouts each day. Now that I no longer had a way of checking how many calories I burned, I didn’t feel the same pressure to do an intense workout every day. It instantly became easier to include a rest day in my week without amending my food intake in order to compensate– this was a huge step!
Over the following months, I slowly started tracking my workouts less and less.
I made myself private on all social media I used for running/cycling/working out, which I found took so much pressure off me. I was no longer comparing myself to others and felt less judged. So I was able to start to explore how I wanted to move my body, not for anyone else, or to anyone else’s standards. This allowed me to really start to tune into myself.
How Will This Workout Serve My Intuitive Movement Journey?
I started to ask myself the question “how will this workout serve me?” More and more I allowed myself to rest as I realised that forcing myself out for a run did not serve me at all. I felt more rested and started to enjoy my movement more, as I wasn’t forcing my body.
Another few months down the line, I actually decided to ditch my fitness tracker altogether for a full 6 weeks. Without a fitness tracker, I couldn’t even compare myself to myself! This felt like a really daunting thing to do as now I had no way to measure the “success” of a workout. I had eliminated calorie tracking, there was no way to measure my speed or distance, no way to track improvement or compare myself to others. The measure of my workouts became about how they made me feel.
Running and exercising without a fitness tracker has been a total game-changer and I still haven’t gone back to using it 3 months later! I have been able to enjoy movement more and have become more present too. Now the most important success measure is how much I enjoy my workout!
Where Do I Want My Energy To Go?
Alongside ditching the calorie counter and fitness tracker, questioning how I want to use my energy has been a crucial part of my journey so far.
During a group coaching session, we were guided through a visualisation to explore how we wanted our future to look and how we wanted to use our energy. This really hit me. Like many people, I always wish I had more time to spend with loved ones. But here I was, using so much of my time and energy on exercising alone.
I realised I want to spend my energy on creating memories with my loved ones, having new experiences, being in nature and connecting with others. Reflecting on this, I saw that the forms of movement I enjoyed most were the ones that ticked these boxes! I started shifting to the following:
- Running with friends
- A gentle trail run in the sunshine
- Walking the dog on the beach
- Yoga in the garden
- Dancing around during Clubbercise
Side note – I thoroughly recommend Clubbercise. It’s an hour of dancing around in the dark with glowsticks and no mirrors!!
I also realised I often prioritised exercise I didn’t always enjoy, over what I really valued. So, in the more recent months when I plan a run, but my mum wants to meet for a coffee– I ask myself “how do I want to spend my energy? What do I really value?” And by asking these questions I am able to prioritise the answer most aligned with my values, the quality time with my mum.
Time And Energy Are Not Infinite
Recognising that time and energy are not infinite, has helped me see that my body allows me to live and to experience. It allowed me to see that spending my time trying to create an unrealistic body was never the answer. It was not serving me.
Finally, Where I Am Now
My relationship with exercise today Vs. a year ago is very different. I still have triggering thoughts around exercise, but I can recognise them and know how to challenge them. I can see myself moving closer and closer towards moving with my body, rather than against it.
Movement is still an important part of my life, but not for the same reasons. That need to obsessively workout each day feels like a distant memory. I listen to my body, moving more gently when that feels right, resting entirely when I notice it’s needed. I don’t experience injuries like I used to. And most importantly, I am proud to say that 9 times out of 10 I prioritise spending time with friends and family over a workout.
During this journey, I have discovered new forms of movement I love such as Yin Yoga, Paddle Boarding and dancing around in the dark with glowsticks! Next week, I am even going to try trapeze yoga in the woods, because I now understand how I want to use my energy– creating new experiences and memories with loved ones. Not spending hours in a gym doing the same old thing with floor-length mirrors tracking my every move!
Our Thoughts – Ella’s Intuitive Movement Journey
Thank you to this brave recovery warrior, who chose to share her intuitive movement journey with us all. An insightful article full of supportive tips, from someone who has been there.
If you recognise a breakdown in your relationship with exercise, feel free to get in touch to learn more about how we can help. You can also read more about intuitive movement in our blog post ‘Connecting Mind And Body With Intuitive Movement‘.
