Eating disorder recovery is a team effort, with treatment outcomes often increasing when loved ones are included in the process. However, we know that supporting someone through recovery can be tough.
That’s why today we are hearing from Sophie, who recovered from her eating disorder with the support of our team and her family. Looking back on her journey, she shares her insights on being there for someone through recovery. A valuable and insightful article full of helpful tips from someone who’s been there.
Supporting someone in eating disorder recovery
When I started getting treatment for my eating disorder, the recovery process came as a shock to my friends and family. I was the first person they had ever known to experience this. So they didn’t have any idea what to expect or how to help me. If I’m honest, I didn’t even really understand how they could help me at the time. I wasn’t well enough to know.
It’s only really now, having gone through recovery, that I understand the type of support that could have been helpful back then. And so, I want to take this moment to share these insights with those who may be trying their best to support someone through this awful illness.
1) Separate the eating disorder from the person
Firstly, through my treatment, I learned to separate the eating disorder from myself. And when my family embraced this approach as well, it really helped me.
When I wasn’t myself, rather than getting frustrated with me, we were able to talk about how the eating disorder was controlling things. It then became easier to challenge the eating disorder thoughts and behaviours because we were externalising it and allowing it to be separate from me.
The separation also helped my family get a clearer picture of the battle and conflict I was going through. Plus, it was a massive relief for me, as it allowed me to feel less blame and anger towards myself around the actions and behaviours I felt stuck in.
Recovering in a society that praises diet culture and glorifies disordered behaviours is so hard when working through recovery. Throughout my whole life weight gain has been demonised. That’s something that made it very hard to accept that my body had to change.
I found it extremely difficult to deal with any form of weight comments in recovery, whether they were intended positively or negatively, about someone else or about me. Any talk around weight or diets threw me back into my eating disorder. If someone was starting a new diet or weight loss goal, I automatically needed to restrict too.
Additionally, what others around me were eating mattered. I strongly recommend checking in with your relationship with food if you’re supporting someone with an eating disorder. When I was in recovery, I became very fixated and aware of how much everyone around me was eating. It was very reassuring to be shown well balanced and non-restrictive diets that included regular snacks and meals. Equally, if family members skipped meals or had funny eating habits, that influenced me too. Comparison is such a massive part of the illness. If you can eat balanced, wholesome meals as a family, that will always be supportive to the sufferer.
Finally, on the topic of discussing weight and diets. One thing I struggled with in recovery was feeling like my weight determined my eating disorders validation. Suffering from anorexia, there were times early on in my recovery when my weight was very low. So when I began to gain weight, I received comments such as ‘you are looking so much healthier’. Although these comments had lovely intentions, they almost took away my right to have an eating disorder.
The truth is that eating disorders are much more about what’s happening mentally than physically. You can have an eating disorder at any weight, it is a mental illness. Therefore, avoiding any comments on a sufferers appearance is crucial.
3) Patience and encouragement
Another huge help for me was when my family started to accept that change and full recovery doesn’t happen overnight. As well as when they started to appreciate the small wins, instead of focusing on the bigger or external changes. At first, it was hard for them to understand that I couldn’t just eat and be better– the concept of not eating enough was alien to them.
This left me sometimes feeling pressured to do more, even when I was already putting a load of effort in. Eating disorders are full of strict rules, behaviours and rigid routines that non-sufferers may not understand at first. But it’s so important to realise that challenging these behaviours is just as hard as actually eating. For example, challenging different cutlery at mealtimes, having a different brand of the same product, eating meals at different times, eating at restaurants or in front of other people. These ‘smaller wins’ can go unnoticed but are often a big deal for the person challenging them.
I can honestly say it feels so rewarding and worthwhile when all your hard work is noticed and appreciated.
4) Distractions from the eating disorder
Distractions were crucial to my recovery, because you can’t do the deeper recovery work all the time. At times it felt like I spent every hour of my day worrying about meals. It became so easy to isolate myself from normal life.
Being given distractions throughout my day, was supportive of my wellbeing. That could be painting with my mum, going to a supermarket, connecting with friends, going for a drive and listening to music or just having conversations that were completely unrelated to my eating disorder or food.
Eating disorders want to keep us from living our lives. So when I was shown normal activities and stayed connected to others, that helped me. It was a reminder of life outside my eating disorder. It distracted me from the difficulties I was facing and made me feel less lonely.
5) Take the pressure off recovery
Understanding that recovery is not linear or always an uphill road was difficult for my loved ones to accept. Everyone wanted a quick fix, but there just wasn’t going to be one. When they realised this, it felt like a weight off my shoulders.
Instead of feeling like a failure because I had a tough day, I started to feel able to move forward. Instead of feeling like I was letting everyone down, I began to feel more worthy, comforted and supported. My family would reassure me that it was ok to have ups and downs and that they were proud no matter what. The way they responded to the hard times became motivating and supported me to keep going. I soon took on the motto that ‘everyday is a new chance to start again’ and my family lived and breathed this with me. Soon, recovery began to happen naturally, one day at a time.
I hope this helps if you have been trying to care for your loved one. As someone that’s been on the receiving end, I can say that your efforts are making a difference. Keep learning and please never give up. Recovery does happen, I am living proof of that!
Thank you for reading,
Sophie x
Final Thoughts
We love these insights from this brave and inspiring recovery warrior. If you’d like to read more about how to support a loved one through their recovery from an eating disorder, please click here.
