Before starting my recovery journey with Natural Food Therapy I had struggled with bulimia and other forms of restriction on and off for 15 years. Completing my recovery programme, I joined the recovery group. I have now been actively recovering for 18 months and cannot believe how far I have come in that time.
I have come so far that I believed I wouldn’t ever feel that need to purge again, so when I felt an overwhelming urge to purge a few weeks ago, it left me feeling really worried.
Today, I share my experience of navigating a lapse and stopping it from turning into a relapse.
Facing The Feeling
At first I ignored the urge I had and pretended it didn’t happen. Honestly, I felt frightened by it, scared this was the start of a relapse. I also felt incredibly ashamed and embarrassed. I thought it must have been because I hadn’t been working hard enough on my recovery. This all felt too big to address so I just ignored it.
After a few days of these thoughts building in the back of my mind, I knew I needed to address the feeling. Taking out my journal, I started to write freely about what had happened and what I was really feeling.
I realised what this was all about! For the first time in my recovery, I had to have 6 weeks of heavily reduced exercise due to an injury. This was followed by 10 days on holiday, where I was more free with food and drink than ever before. All of this change had led to the thought process that I was ‘out of control’.
This urge I was having to purge, was just a natural reaction to this thought– as it had been my previous coping mechanism for 15 years.
Releasing The Shame
Eating disorders can be isolating, and I know for me has led to a lot of shame. But thanks to the work I have done, I realise that none of this was my fault and I have permission to release the shame.
To do this, I chose to speak to my partner about how I had felt and how scared it made me.
Voicing this felt like an immediate release!
He then encouraged me to share it with my recovery group, which was such a helpful suggestion. When I shared the experience with the group I felt no judgement, only support and understanding. By the end of the group session I felt a lot safer to move forwards. I realised that speaking out was a superpower and helped me to release the shame I was feeling.
Acknowledging My Progress
Now I had understood what was happening and felt validated for the way I was feeling, I was actually able to acknowledge this was a huge step in my journey.
For the first time I had gone 6 weeks without one of my main coping mechanisms and without consciously restricting my food. I hadn’t given in to the eating disorder even when the urge was overwhelming! And, I was open about my experience– something I had kept secret for 15 years.
This was all HUGE progress!!
Reconnecting With Recovery
Over the last couple of weeks I have made a real effort to be kind to myself and have supported myself to feel safe. For me, that meant moving my body a little each day, sticking to safe foods and wearing loose clothing.
From there I reconnected with my “why” – reminding myself why I am going through recovery, as well as reminding myself with how far I’ve come.
I feel so much better now, I’ve not felt any urges since and I’ve been able to enjoy several social gathering and meals out. And I’ve even started to challenge myself with food and exercise again!
Now I realise that what could have been the start of a relapse was actually a important part of my recovery journey. I’ve navigated a difficult time successfully! Recovery is not linear, it doesn’t happen overnight, but progress is progress and I know this is all worth it to feel free and at home in my body.
Final Thoughts: Navigating Relapse
We are celebrating this recovery warrior for taking a huge step forward, navigating a difficult time and acknowledging how far she has come. Thank you for so bravely sharing your story.
We also want to acknowledge the difference between a lapse and relapse, which Amanda Joelle Brown PHD explains beautifully in this article.
